Welcome to Australia

Welcome to Australia, flat end of the Earth,

Land of youth in Asia, we know what it’s worth.

It may look brown and dry, but under dusty tracks,

We found precious metals in among the cracks.

We dig ‘em up and sell ‘em to make a decent buck,

With iron ore and gas, we can’t believe our luck.

The place is one big quarry, nothing wrong with that,

We haven’t got a worry and couldn’t give a rats.

Once were ancient forests, we had to chop ‘em down,

Needed posts for fences in paddocks and ‘round town.

We like to make it clear which is yours or mine,

And heaven help the bludger who oversteps the line.

Where there’s remnant forest, we crunch it into chips,

And send them to Japan in someone else’s ships.

Of course, we add value, we chop the timber down,

It keeps the economy going in many dusty towns.

The wood comes back as boxes around consumer goods,

Which we buy on credit as and when we should.

We’re led by market forces that make the world go round,

And every time we look around we wonder what is underground.

Our mob came from Europe to civilise the place,

The way the Abos ran it was, frankly, a disgrace.

In sixty-thousand years, they barely made a mark.

All we had to do was make a bloody start.

We show ‘em how to exploit, how ethics are disdainful,

Show ‘em how to make a buck, but are the bastards grateful?

Well, we ain’t finished yet, we’ve much more to plunder,

We want our two bobs’ worth from the land Down Under.

Tread lightly on the Earth? You don’t know what it’s worth.

We plough and dig and harrow and farm until it hurts.

The land is dry and fragile, so we brought sheep and cows,

Cloven hooves to scar the soil and run the rivers brown.

You may see joy and wonder, we see wealth and gain,

And marvel at how Nature provides us with our drains.

Logic is for losers, we do what we like,

Pump rivers dry for cotton and grow the Asians rice.

They reckon up in Queensland, the rate we clear and rort,

Would put us in the medals in an Olympic sport.

We sell coal for power all around the Earth,

It helps global warming and we love to surf.

As the place gets hotter, we’ll take more holidays,

Let some migrant bastards slave away all day.

We buy our clothes from China and never give a thought

To sweat shops and labour in conditions we once fought.

We used to join unions to demand workers’ rights,

Now, it’s by ‘agreement’, we gave up without a fight.

It’s ‘rational economics’, if there’s such a thing,

And we love the opportunities a global village brings.

The headmen are real smart, or else we’re bloody slack.

We used to own utilities until they sold them to us back.

Now we are shareholders, like we weren’t before,

And marvel at the salaries some top execs can draw.

It’s something to aspire, some people never stop,

Scared to be a failure unless they reach the top.

We love a bet and gamble, a wager and a punt,

We’d like a good preamble and the PM is a runt.

We have a national anthem, it’s something of a curse,

Most can sing the chorus, but no one knows a verse.

We are signatories to many UN pacts,

Looks good on the CV, despite the cold hard facts.

Human rights and dignity? That’s OK in theory,

Just don’t mention refugees, it only makes us teary.

We are an island state, which is another lucky break,

And while we came by boat, you’re too bloody late.

Stop your bloody whingeing, we’ll come and sort it out,

We have some boofy mates, who pack a bit of clout.

We have noble allies, the British and the Yanks,

We fight in all their wars and buy their clapped out tanks.

We’re not belligerent, we just like a barney,

It’s a British heritage, if you have one, use your army.

We are Australians, we’re yobbos and we’re louts,

And we don’t give a bugger, as long as it’s your shout.

We live a lucky life, we live from pay to pay,

Why, even on the dole, it’s thirty bucks a day.

We welcome visitors, as long as they are pale,

Bring us all your crap stuff, we’ll have a garage sale.

We build mighty edifices from stuff we find in crevices,

And every time we look around, we wonder what is underground.

Craig Nelson